Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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