Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Randomize
