Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
