I cannot find my penis.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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