the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
