Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Randomize
