i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
third nipple confirmed
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
