it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
