guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize