the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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