I just threw up on my dentist
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
