Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize