just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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