i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
