my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
