Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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