wrigley field is MILF paradise
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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