Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize