Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
