My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
