dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I think people are normalizing furries
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
