this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
