Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Randomize
