she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
