My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
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