Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Two words: nipple clamps
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