im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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