The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
