somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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