i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
