Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
