Dude my mom stole all your condoms
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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