Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
