I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
