You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
