i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
