I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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