i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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