I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Randomize
