So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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