he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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