Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
