Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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