You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
