You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
