I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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