i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
my shit smells like andre
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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