just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
