my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
