Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
