My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
