i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
only if we run a train.
done.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
don't judge my taste in strippers
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
