Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Randomize
