I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize