when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
