drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
