i was born a porn star she said
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize