Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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