I'm going to jail i love you
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize