What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
