i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
