you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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