I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
