I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
